


A Degree of Lying

by OrigamiPrincess



Series: The Umbrella Academy Turns 30! [4]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Adventure, Birthday Fluff, Competition, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Feel-good, Fluff, Gen, birthday fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 04:14:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21247310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrigamiPrincess/pseuds/OrigamiPrincess
Summary: Klaus has a super secret birthday plan. He just has to ensure Five comes along, even if he has to lie to him a bit.Happy Birthday Klaus!And Happy Halloween!





	A Degree of Lying

**Author's Note:**

> "A degree of lying - you know, white lies - seems to be inherent in all languages and all forms of communication." -Matthew Lesko
> 
> I FINISHED THIS.
> 
> Klaus was the last of the seven kids I had to write before I completed this set of fics. Some of you who follow me probably already know I did in fact write a different Klaus chapter originally, posted on October 4th. I scrapped it because I just wasn't happy with it. I may try and rewrite it sometime, but this one takes that one's place for now.
> 
> My idea guru and amazing friend Rebecca is responsible for being my sounding board and is frankly the only reason you guys have this story at all.
> 
> Enjoy!

Klaus was by far the most eccentric of his siblings. That's not to say his siblings weren't eccentric; they truly were, every one of them. Klaus was just the only one who wasn't cowed into hiding it.

The ghosts had started early, but his sensitivity to them didn't start too strongly. In fact, it took a little while after his powers manifested before he, or his father, realized anything was different. Klaus simply assumed the strangely dressed people were some of his father's friends and he didn't acknowledge them lest he get himself into trouble. He assumed his siblings were doing the same. It was after they began their notice of him, began moaning and calling his name, that he realized no one else but him saw them.

His father found out quite soon after Klaus did. After all, a little boy talking very convincingly to people that weren't there was hard not to notice in the normally silent Hargreeves house.

But his eccentricities didn't stem from his powers. Klaus was simply born with a strong delight in the world. He was curious and friendly, the laughs he drew out from his brothers and sisters a coveted trophy.

It was as he, and his powers, grew that began the transformation to who he was today. The ghosts didn't stay weak for long and their loud presence forced Klaus to live equally as loud for fear that if he did not balance them out, he would lose himself.

By their twelfth birthday, Klaus had discovered that anything that impaired his senses would also impair the ghosts. The makings of blunts littered the corners of his room, shoved there in a hasty attempt at presenting a clean room. The sickly sweet scent of their smoke clinging to him like a veil. 

So when their father lined them up and announced he was allowing each one of them a possession to mark the day of their birth, Klaus was sure it was a trap. Say what you would about Sir Reginald Hargreeves, but a man of generosity he was not. 

It seemed that he was required to come up with a request no matter what, so he set his sluggishly drug addled thoughts to coming up with something dear old Reggie wouldn't use against him later.

Luther and Diego answered more quickly than he hoped as his mind spun with useless thoughts. He _ definitely _ couldn't ask for clothing or jewelry. His father had already caught wind of Klaus' clothing preferences and he had received an entire three day in the sensory deprivation room. Wait. That was it!

Their father was nodding at Allison before moving his steely gaze to Klaus. "Number Four?" he said with barely concealed disgust.

Klaus bit his tongue to stop the goading he would normally let loose. He took a breath to steady himself and said, "Headphones, to focus my senses." He silently braced himself for the vitriolic comments he knew his father would say. A beat, two. Klaus hadn't realized he had dropped his gaze to the floor until he peered back into his father's face. Reginald was staring at him, a flinty expression on his face as he seemingly looked through him. 

"Very well," he declared, shrewd eyes still piercing Klaus'. He lingered on Klaus until sweat beaded between his shoulder blades before moving on to Five.

Klaus let out an internal sigh. He had an old Walkman he had found at a thrift store. Now, he had the headphones to go with it.

\----------------------------------------

Klaus had everything figured out. He had already booked the venue and had let his siblings know exactly when and where to show up. He even had made sure there would be plenty of refreshments. All that was left was Five.

Klaus decided the best way to go Five hunting was to employ Ben as his scout. Five had a nasty habit of listening out for any unwanted visitors and blinking away before anyone had a chance to catch him. Klaus figured if Five could use his power to evade _ him_, Klaus could use _ his _ power to catch him. Turnabout's fair play, after all.

Klaus lounged on the settee touching up his toe nails with a bright emerald green polish. He hummed loudly over one of the more insistent ghosts. He was getting better with banishing them, but he didn't quite know what today had in store for him and he preferred to go into it with a full tank. Just as he was contorted to try and get the best angle for his pinkie toe, Ben appeared in front of him.

"He's in the laundry room," Ben reported. It was lucky that Ben had been so amenable to his plan that he didn't have to blackmail him into being his spy. Not that blackmail would have worked on Ben, seeing as he was 1) Dead and 2) Knew too much about Klaus for that to work.

Klaus grinned before dipping his freshly painted toes in cold water so he wouldn't smear his paint job. "Perfect. An ideal place to ambush him." He clapped his hands together, rubbing them in anticipation. "You ready to catch a killer, Benny?"

Ben pulled a face. "Maybe it's best not to goad the killer."

"Pshaw!" Klaus waved his 'Hello' hand. "Immortality, remember?"

"Yeah, until you're not," Ben muttered. Klaus just smiled sweetly at him.

\---------------------------------

Getting to the laundry room without attracting Five's attention wasn't as hard as Klaus had been anticipating. Getting himself ready for his performance, however, was a bit more demanding.

Ben watched him ready himself in amusement. "You do know that the chances of this plan working are next to nothing."

Klaus opened his mouth to hiss at Ben before remembering his proximity to Five and settled on a glare. Ben laughed loudly because he could, the bastard.

Klaus painted on his very best conspiracy face. 

He rounded the corner quickly, not giving Five a chance to disappear. "Five! There you are!"

Five, to his credit, didn't flinch but he _ did _ look up in annoyance. 

"What do you want, Klaus?" he growled. Ah, so he was in _ that _ kind of mood.

Klaus smiled, undeterred. "So when I was, ah, spending the years 'wandering the city'," Klaus used air quotes simply because he knew how much Five detested them. "I heard about this 'place'."

Five stared at Klaus in stony silence. 

"Weird stuff happens there. My dea- ah, _ friend _ said that people would go in and disappear for weeks or months and come back out… different." Klaus was pleased it didn't sound staged. It paid to pull stuff out of your ass.

Five continued to stare. Klaus was so close.

"Ah, nevermind, I don't think it would interest you." Klaus smiled apologetically and began to leave. He got all the way to the dryer before Five stopped him.

"Where is it?" He didn't look up from his book but his body practically _ vibrated _ with the need to know more. Klaus bit back a grin. Hook, line…

"I don't exactly remember? But I'm sure if we drive around I will recognize it!"

A long pause. "Fine. But we are getting coffee first."

Sinker.

\----------------------------------------

Once Five was on a mission, he turned into a little taskmaster.

"If you don't get your shoes on and your ass in a seat in the next sixty seconds, I will _skin_ _you_." 

Klaus barked a laugh as he finished slipping on his converse. "So violent, my little time gremlin."

"You're very lucky I am in the unfortunate position of needing your memories," Five snarled.

Klaus just hummed and brushed past Five to the door. "Shotgun!"

Five just gave him a scathing look before he blinked into the driver's seat.

Klaus slid himself into the passenger seat only for Ben to appear between the seats, obnoxiously close to Klaus' face. Klaus stuck his tongue out and licked where Ben's face was. Five huffed and shifted gears, peeling out onto the street. They had only been cruising for a few minutes before Five pulled over to the side of the road.

Five growled deep in his throat. "Seatbelt."

"Pardon?"

"_Put your damn seatbelt on_," Five hissed.

"Alright, alright, chillax." Klaus held his hands up placatingly. "Sheesh. Hold your horses." Klaus yanked the seatbelt and it froze up. He yanked harder. 

Ben sighed. "Klaus…"

Five was looking at the car's ceiling like he was begging the universe for strength.

Klaus let the seatbelt slacken before he buckled it correctly, giving Five his most sorrowful expression. Five just glared and began driving again.

They passed several blocks before Five spoke again.

"Do you have _ any _ inkling of where this place is?"

Klaus frowned, stroking his chin. "I think we are going in the right direction. It was on the outskirts of town."

Ben cackled. "You're more clothed now than you were the last time we were here."

"Obviously. It's nearly October now."

"Like that mattered to you before," Ben snorted.

"I don't seem to recall you criticizing my fashion choices then," Klaus mused.

"I definitely did, you just didn't listen," Ben shot back.

"Ah, well, it's in the past now," Klaus flapped his 'Good-Bye" hand in Ben's face.

Ben just gave him a long look up and down, making sure to make his current displeasure of Klaus' current attire clear. 

"If you are going to _ insist _ on having conversations, would you at least do the courtesy of making Ben corporeal?" Five ground out, hands knuckle white on the wheel.

"No can do, Five-y dear," Klaus sang, tapping a rhythm on the passenger window.

"Liar," Ben grinned.

"Drop dead!" Klaus returned the grin.

"Oh, my _ GOD_!" Five exploded, slamming on the breaks and stealing the air from Klaus' lungs. "Can we _ please _ focus on finding this place or so help me I will remove your vocal cords and _ strangle you with them_."

"I've always loved a good stranglin'!" Klaus waggled his eyebrows at Five.

"I'd maybe scale back if I were you," Ben warned. "He really does look liable to follow through on his threat."

Klaus heaved a sigh. "Sorry, sorry, sorry. You're right. Business at hand." He took a breath. "Okay. So I am fairly sure it's down this-a-way." Klaus indicates a left at the next intersection.

Five bit back a response and put his blinker on, shifting the seat to better reach the pedals.

Klaus held up a telephone book. "You sure you don't need-"

A knife was suddenly at his throat. "Think _ very _ carefully on how you want to finish that sentence."

Klaus swallowed, the sting of a cut noticeable with the bob of his apple. He stayed silent.

Five held the knife a moment longer before he slunk back into his own seat and magicked the knife back wherever it had come from.

Klaus ran a finger lightly over the small, shallow cut before internally shrugging. He was already pushing it with this wild goose chase as it was, he didn't want to risk Five turning back home or worse, abandoning him in the middle of the city.

Five turned down the road, expression stony.

\------------------------

"This looks familiar," Klaus said slowly, glancing around the street in contemplation.

"That's because we've already been down this street, you dumbass," Five growled.

"That would explain why it looks familiar," Klaus said sagely. Five's expression turned thunderous. "Oh! This way!" Klaus gestured towards a previously unexplored alley.

"Nice save," Ben goaded. Klaus just sent him a glare.

\--------------------------

By the time they had parked at the bottom of a rocky incline littered with trees, Five was close to snapping. Klaus knew he had to play this very carefully. He had to get Five far enough from the car that he wouldn't find it necessary to jump back immediately.

"This is it!" Klaus exclaimed, clapping in delight. "It's about a mile up here!"

Five gave him a scathing look. "On a scale of a broken finger to death, how certain are you?"

"Definitely death." Klaus nodded definitively.

Ben squinted at him. "You do know that your view of death being inconsequential probably is an important fact for this?"

Klaus shrugged at him, keeping his face grimly serious for Five.

Five studied him for another long moment. "Fine. Lead the way, I guess. But if you fall down a ravine or into a lake I swear I am abandoning you to your fate."

"That's fair," Klaus agreed. He began to pick his way up the incline as Five followed, gangly growing legs allowing him to easily keep up with Klaus'.

They climbed for several minutes in silence, Klaus doing his best not to show how out of shape he was and Ben taking every opportunity to laugh at him as he ascended with the ease of the incorporeal.

Klaus took every opportunity to stop and examine his surroundings in what he hoped was a contemplative manner. Five grew more and more impatient as they went along, subtly shifting his weight from one foot to the other in an adorable childlike manner. Klaus doubted he was aware of it. He wandered over to a funny looking rock, squinting in deliberate concentration before gasping excitedly.

"I remember this rock! It's about 700 feet from here!" Klaus began to walk faster, picking through the woods with less care than before. He stumbled and swatted aside tree limbs, taking no care to wait for Five to follow. 

Both of them tore through the woods at a decent clip, thorns tearing at their legs and limbs smacking their faces. Klaus cringed internally at the Academy shorts Five was currently wearing but didn't slow.

They finally burst into a clearing, lungs burning and covered in foliage.

Klaus turned to Five, gauging his reaction. It was very much like watching the first rays of sunlight break through the horizon. At first, the sheer determination was all that showed. Then, very slowly, the flush of exertion centralized itself to the tops of his cheeks and his brow furrowed in confusion that morphed into irritation and finally outrage. 

"Wha-what the _ hell_?" Five spluttered. His face didn't seem to be able to decide what emotion to show so it currently looked like a mashup of all of them at once.

"Ta-da!" Klaus said, arms wide and indicating the bridge in front of them.

It was certainly a sight to behold. Luther stood proudly halfway down the length of the bridge having a harness being strapped to him. He was looking inordinately pleased with himself, watching a smaller man attach the cables. Diego stood a little to the left, already hooked up and ready for a jump. Allison and Vanya stood a little farther off, watching with a mix of amusement and worry.

"_Bungee Jumping?!_" Five snarled in indignation.

"Surprise!" Klaus flashed him a grin.

"There never _ was _ any anomaly, was there?" Five's face was thunderous. "You _ lied to me_-"

"Yeah, and what about my twenty bucks, huh?" Klaus shot back. 

Five's face twisted before returning to his stormy expression. "I was right. You really _ are _ all useless!"

Klaus tried to keep up his cheerful facade. "Five-"

An inhuman howl cut through the ravine. Klaus whipped towards the bridge just in time to see Luther on a rapid downward descent towards the water below, a cord scurrying behind him like a striking cobra. They were far enough away that his open mouth looked like a small black hole, his limbs arranged wildly around his body. Once he hit the end of the arc, rope pulling taught, he swung back up in a high arc, a loud whoop escaping. His greater size obviously afforded him a larger area of travel.

Klaus turned back to Five, expecting him to be halfway down the incline by now, only to find him staring angrily at Luther, a look of rapture warring against it on his face. Well. Had he known the big lug would have made such a good Five neutralizer, he would have employed Luther _ months _ ago. 

Diego was next, after Luther was lowered to the waiting boat in the river. He hollered something down that distorted in the echoing canyon before turning around backwards and diving belly up. Diego yo-yoed in the same manner as Luther, though he seemed to be tucking himself in for maximized aerodynamics. Despite this, he didn't go quite as far as Luther's heft had taken him and he looked angrier when he was lowered into the boat than he did before he jumped.

Klaus peeked back again at Five. The anger had been almost completely replaced by a calculating shrewd look. Klaus grinned at Ben who was standing a little off to the side, watching both Diego and Five with fond amusement.

Allison was next, wriggling into the harness eagerly while Vanya looked on looking hunched and worried. Luther was already readying himself to go after.

Klaus turned to Five, gauging his mood. He was completely ignoring Klaus now, looking on the scene with an almost considering look.

"What do you say we go closer, make some bets against our siblings?" He made sure to keep his voice even and soft, but not timid. Five was never persuaded by anything less than controlled strikes.

Five jerked his head to Klaus, almost like he had forgotten Klaus was standing right in front of him, and his face pinched into a frown. Klaus made sure not to flinch as Five studied his face, eyes boring into his own and taking note of every emotion. His brother was a highly trained assassin, yes, but he also respected those who were direct and honest with him. Which, granted, Klaus definitely wasn't the majority of the time. But he let Five see it on his face, their own complicated form of communication comprised of facial expressions and a dash of vulnerability. Many of their siblings didn't think Five capable of understanding the nuances of emotion from other people, but the truth was, Five not only understood it but based many of his decisions to trust off of it. A tenuous relationship had formed between the two of them, though Klaus wouldn't necessarily describe it as friendship. Brotherhood, perhaps. Not brotherhood in the normal sense, but since when had anything about them been normal? Not a day in their lives.

Five flicked his gaze back to where Allison was now gracefully diving off the bridge, curls tearing free from her ponytail. He nodded, once.

"Fine." He turned his sharp gaze back to Klaus. "But only for a minute and strictly because I want to watch Luther and Diego make fools of themselves in this testosterone induced competition. Then I am leaving."

Klaus nodded back. "Come along then,_ mon frere_." He turned and walked towards the bridge, trusting Five would follow.

When he got within eyesight, Vanya looked up and waved. Klaus waved back, cheerfully calling, "Vanya, my dear, are you going to do a jump?"

Vanya's startled laugh echoed around him. "I haven't decided yet! Hi, Five!" She gave Klaus a quick hug when they walked up and gave a wave to Five. Five nodded stoically back, still looking irritated.

"Ah, well, tis my birthday and I say everyone gets to jump!" Klaus declared grandly.

"That's not the most comforting statement, bro," Diego said, coming up behind Klaus and dropping a hand on his shoulder. 

"Also, we all share the same birthday," Vanya reminded him.

"All the more reason that we all jump! Okay! Is Allison done? I think it's time for a new jumper!"

"Please stop calling them that," Ben moaned.

"Oh-ho! Bold of you to assume you get to skip this experience, Benny!" Klaus winked at him. Ben just looked puzzled. "Alright, who first, Vanya or Five?"

"Who said I was participating?" Five asked sharply.

"I figured you wanted to show up Luther and Diego," Klaus said with a shrug.

Vanya hid her smile behind her hand as Five considered Klaus and then Diego and finally Luther who was getting ready to jump again.

"Contest alert!" Klaus announced, clapping his hands sharply to gain Luther's attention. "Whoever has the most grandiose jump wins!"

"Wins what?" Luther asked, puzzled. 

"A surprise," Klaus said slyly. Five just rolled his eyes.

"I'm in. Roll your eyes all you want, Five, but you can't win even if you do participate." Diego gave a chuckle.

"Fine by me," Luther agreed gamely.

Five reddened and marched towards the instructor, yanking equipment out of his hands. "Your funeral."

"Them's fightin' words, brother," Diego grinned joining Five where Luther stood ready to jump a second time. 

Klaus clapped in delight as Allison sauntered over, hair wild and face flushed with excitement. "What's going on?"

Vanya just shook head in exasperated fondness. "Klaus just convinced Five to bungee jump."

Allison raised her eyebrows as she looked over at Klaus. "And how did you manage that?"

"Trade secrets," Klaus replied at the same time that Vanya said, "Manipulation."

"Ah." Allison gave a laugh. "This should be good."

The instructor finished setting up a third bungee cord so all three of his boneheaded brothers could participate at the same time. Klaus couldn't have asked for a better present if he tried.

When all three were suited up, Five looking like a miniature adult in his gear, Klaus stepped forward. "Remember, creativity counts as much as the height you achieve and the landing. Ready? Set? DIVE!"

The three of them jumped forward into thin air.

Luther put out an excellent performance, achieving the height he had the first time. However, he didn't do more than let out another whoop like the fall took him by surprise again so he was lacking in the creativity department.

Diego did a literal swan dive, grazing the river with one hand before doing several elegant flips in the air. His landing was a bit rocky and he was dumped into the river when the boat overturned.

Five, however, did not disappoint. Instead of letting gravity take hold, he jumped as high into the air as he could before arching his body into a beautiful straight line before the rope swung him back up. He ended the jump by blinking out of his harness and onto the boat seamlessly.

Klaus and Allison erupted into cheers while Vanya laughed with sheer delight. Klaus had never heard Vanya laugh like that before and wasn't this a day for treasures.

"Bravo! Bravissimo!" Klaus hollered, wolf whistling as the three of them made their way back up to the bridge.

Allison was dancing around Vanya excitedly while Vanya just stood still with a huge smile on her face.

"Oh my, such excellent work! Truly an impressive feat in the world of bungee jumping!" Klaus said grandly, patting one hand on Diego's sopping wet head and the other rubbing Luther's back. "Just magnificent!"

Five gave him a sour look. "Well?"

Klaus gave Five his best puzzled look. "Well what, my dear brother?"

Five just gave him a look that was definitely fitting for a killer.

"Oh!" Klaus exclaimed. "You mean about the contest. Right. Well, all of you put forth some _ excellent _ effort." He danced back to Allison and Vanya. "Truly a performance for the ages."

"Would you get on with it?" Diego growled.

"So impatient! Maybe I shant tell you," Klaus pouted, looking away.

"If you don't tell us I am going to take that bungee cord and wrap it around your neck." Five replied coldly.

"I'm fairly sure hangings are illegal," Klaus dismissed.

"Not everywhere, they aren't," Five retorted.

Klaus gave a gusty sigh, shooting disappointed looks at his brothers. "Well," he began. Five glared so he quickly continued. "Luther certainly _ did _ achieve impressive height, though Diego's showmanship made up for his smaller jump." Klaus stroked his mustache. When he glanced out of his peripheral vision, all three of his brothers were looking at him with various levels of anticipation, even Five. Ben just rolled his eyes. "Five, however, really took it to the next level and showcased a _ truly _ impressive combination of height and pizazz so, I must declare Five the winner!" He grabbed hold of Five's left arm and raised it above his head in victory. Five looked ready to bite him. Allison and Vanya cheered even as Allison patted Luther on the back comfortingly. Diego sulked behind them.

Five wrested his arm away from Klaus and scowled. "So, what is it?"

"Pardon?" Klaus asked, truly not following this time.

"My prize," Five ground out. "What is it?"

Klaus looked at him very seriously. "What I am about to impart to you is the single most important thing in the world."

"I'm waiting with baited breath," Five drawled.

Klaus paused, holding his hands to his heart dramatically. If he was going to give a proper performance, he had to pull out all the stops.

Just when he was fairly certain Five was going to hit and or otherwise maim him, he took a deep breath and declared, "My deepest love and affection!"

Five blinked. He blinked again. Murder began to creep over his face as he snapped, "That's worthless. I don't want that."

Klaus gasped dramatically, hand still clutching at his heart. "I am wounded, by my own flesh and blood no less!"

"We're adopted," Five said flatly.

"How will I ever recover?" Klaus cried, flinging his arms around Vanya and sobbing loudly onto her shoulder.

"Ideally, you won't," Five rolled his eyes again and began to walk away.

"You can't leave us like this! You can't just steal the prize and walk away!" Klaus called after him, crocodile tears heavy in his voice.

"Looks like I can," Five called back, feral grin on his face.

"You haven't even gotten your trophy! How will Vanya and Ben fight for your title? You mustn't throw in the towel before your career of bungee jumping truly begins! Don't rob the world of witnessing that talent!" Klaus fell to his knees, arms outstretched to the sky in bereavement.

"I hate this family," Five muttered before blinking away.

Silence fell on the bridge for several moments, before Klaus jumped up and clapped his hands. "All right, whose turn is it?"

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you are inclined, please drop a line!


End file.
